Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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