420 ftw
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
