We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
