Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
