did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
