I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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