hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
