he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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