dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
