Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
