did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
