I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
