Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
