I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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