im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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