Jerry, you need to find god
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
