there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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