Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
