just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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