you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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