apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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