i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
