i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
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you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
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so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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