Got a toothbrush?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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