not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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