i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
