Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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