I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
