Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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