if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
