checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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