she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
