When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
