Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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