Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
