oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
