Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
