Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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