i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
