Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
