Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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