I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
