I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
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it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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