I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
