I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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