cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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