She's JV to your varsity
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
