i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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