don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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