dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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