I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
