i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
