Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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