I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
