he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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